The Multi-tasking Mom: A Blessing or a Curse?
I remember after I had my daughter, Kennedy, I was in such a slump. But it wasn’t postpartum depression, I just couldn't put my finger on it. She was around two years old at this point and I was trying to share with my husband why I felt so stressed and behind and just gross.
I couldn’t even figure out how to put it into words so I could ask him to help, and I kid you not—I literally googled something along the lines of “mom stress.” I didn’t even know how to explain it to Google!
Lo and behold, a TON of search results came up discussing “The Mental Load” that feels like it requires 100% of your bandwidth 100% of the time. It’s a revolving list, at least the way that I experience it, that feels ENORMOUS because there’s no beginning or end, it just. Keeps. Going.
UCLA Health wrote an article that defines the Mental Load like this:
Mental load typically refers to the behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household. Examples are meal planning, scheduling and generally meeting the needs of every family member. The mental tasks you take on at work can also add to your total load.
They continue to say, “It is the “thinking” work you do daily. A cognitive task such as remembering which groceries to buy may not seem like much. But when those invisible tasks accumulate and the load gets heavy, it can affect your relationships, physical health and mental well-being.”
We’ve all seen those instagram reels where the mom starts with one task and moves to the next task before the first one is done but then she notices something else that needs doing and so on and so forth…relatable! I know you all can relate somewhat to this inner dialogue—the Mental Load in a nutshell:
Are the dishes in the dishwasher done? I need to empty them before I start dinner.
I need to start a load of towels, but theres two loads going right now, I’ll come back to that.
When do we all need a dentist appointment?
Are the animals fed?
I need to restock the Q-tips and clean the toilets
Wow the windows are SO dirty
Don’t forget to respond to that email.
We’re out of ketchup.
Make sure you finish the Charter School application!
What’s for dinner tonight?
There’s that nasty handprint on the wall I need to clean.
Oh and the baseboards, jeez.
The kids have no pants or shoes that fit anymore, start shopping.
Oops, we should schedule a date night
Crap, we’re out of bandaids. We CANNOT be out of bandaids.
UCLA Health had another great point, “When children are involved, your mental load often also involves emotional work—shaping and managing the feelings and experiences of others. Whether your child didn’t make the soccer team, is overwhelmed with homework or just lost a pet, they may need support. Emotional work is unpredictable, and you may need to manage your own feelings and reactions to address the emotional needs of others.”
It was so fascinating to me that I actually felt relief when I learned there was an actual term for what I was dealing with. Maybe knowing that I wasn’t the only one? That nothing was wrong with me—it wasn’t a character flaw. I just needed some tools! I’ve come a long ways since that discovery and I’m still learning and growing every day. Here’s a few things that have helped me feel less scatter-brained and more productive:
Telling my husband about the tasks that I quietly take care of. It was eye-opening to him! He didn’t realize there were so many, and asked what he could take off my plate. What a guy.
Learning to say no more often. Feeling obligated to socialize with people or attend all the events can be a huge stress, and more often than not, friends and family will understand if you decline an invitation. You don’t even have to come up with an excuse! A simple, “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it.” will suffice.
Hand off some tasks to people around you. Delegating is such a great way to lessen the load.
Rest! There will ALWAYS be something to get done, and rest should be included as a non-negotiable so you have the chance to recharge.
Everyone will manage their households differently, with different priorities and different strengths. But we truly were made for such a time as this. With a dedicated and loyal support system, we can harness the BLESSING that the mental load can be. Just a slight shift in perspective and we can focus on the gift it is to know what our family needs when they need it. That we can somehow miraculously access a mental inventory of nearly all household supplies at any given moment. I call that a superpower :)