Proactivity vs. Reactivity: Avoiding Undesired Outcomes

Who's ready for some hard truths?!
Buckle Up...

What is radical responsibility? To sum it up, it’s the opposite of a victim mentality. The opposite of the blame, shame, guilt trip game. 

Fleet Maull, Author of the book Radical Responsibility says, “Radical Responsibility involves voluntarily embracing 100% responsibility or ownership for each and every circumstance we face in life, day in and day out. This has nothing to do with self-blame, nor with heroically taking on a burden of some kind. Rather, it’s a radical act of self-empowerment, choosing to focus our available time and energy where we actually have influence—with ourselves and our choices.”

There are several philosophies around this topic that generally point to the same conclusion. Here’s another perspective from a Navy Seal:

“The leader must own everything in his or her world. There is no one else to blame. The best leaders don't just take responsibility for their job. They take Extreme Ownership of everything that impacts their mission.”

Jocko Willink

To really delve into the idea behind radical responsibility, we have to be willing to turn inward and assess what’s going on internally as an Individual. It means looking at all aspects of our lives that are within our own control. 

We live in a world where it’s really easy to adopt a reactive role rather than a proactive one. When we’re stuck playing defense it’s really easy to blame our outcomes on circumstance or people or events or just….anything but ourselves. 

But does that actually serve us? Does it serve our families? The reactive mindset reminds me of when a friend *attempted* to teach me how to surf. She told me that I needed to get out further so that the waves weren’t breaking on top of me—and if I didn’t…each wave was just going to keep pushing me back to shore, I would get way more tired that way because I’d have to paddle out every single time a wave came. Shocker, she was right! 

“Taking responsibility is the willingness to give an account for your actions—to willingly bear the burden of what you have, or have not, done. It is being willing to answer for your conduct and obligations.

However, human nature can lead us to refuse to take responsibility for our actions. In fact, when we’re confronted with our mistakes, we’ll often play the blame game and attempt to deflect our responsibility onto someone else.”

Isaac Khalil

It was ultimately fear that was keeping me from charging the waves and getting to the other side where I could have experienced a sense of victory, rest, and I would assume a pretty incredible vantage point before getting to the actual surfing part. But I was intimidated by the ocean, I had always told myself I wasn’t a strong swimmer and I completely allowed that thought pattern to sabotage what could have been a life-giving skill that I know I would have loved.

I think you already know how this story ended…

I never learned how to surf, unfortunately. Could you imagine if I blamed it on the ocean? I couldn't manage a two-inch wave while countless women master surfing every day all over the world. “The waves were out to get me, it was impossible. I just can’t catch a break.” …no pun intended 😉🌊

“Radical responsibility is the idea that you are 100% responsible for your life and the outcomes you experience, regardless of external factors. This mindset shift is essential for achieving success in any area of life and greatly enhances your ability to be resilient in any situation. By embracing radical responsibility, you take full ownership of your decisions and outcomes, stop blaming external factors for problems, and start looking for solutions.”

Fierce Conversations

Let’s apply this to the current state of the nation! Election Day is upon us!

There’s a lot at stake and people are STRESSING. Families are struggling to put food on the table, a lot of us are worried about foreign affairs and what’s on the horizon. Safety is a huge concern as well, among other things.

But let me offer a potential path to peace for a moment. From a perspective of radical responsibility, as an individual, we do not and will never have control over the outcome of an entire election. We will ONLY EVER have control over our own actions and our own choices—including but not limited to our thought patterns and reactions. 

So what is within our control? 

We vote. We boldly and compassionately speak truth. We teach our kids to take action and show them how. We pray and take every thought captive. We listen and grow with an open mind. 

But we also have the option to sit back and watch, wait, and apathetically hope someone else will solve the problem someday...fingers crossed we don't experience Armageddon!

I’ve realized over the years that I can’t expect something in my life or in my household to change for the better if I’m not intentionally positioning myself and my family to get the results I desire. 

Mismatched values are not typically conducive to positive results. 

Here’s a hypothetical situation…that may or may not be based on a true story…🫣

I feel disconnected from my husband, we haven’t had a date in a while and our communication is suffering. I get slightly annoyed that he hasn’t planned anything for us and wish he would just do it since I have so much on my plate…rather than being a nagging wife, I decide to sit in my frustration, let it fester, and resentment starts to grow into a downward spiral of negativity. My actions are mismatching my desires...clearly.

Knowing that a man’s brain operates differently than mine and he can’t read my mind, am I positioning myself in a place that this is likely to be resolved? If my ultimate desire in this situation is connection and quality time because I love my husband deeply and cherish the time we spend together, positioning here is key. I am fully capable of taking initiative, setting time aside before our calendar fills up and thoughtfully planning something we will both enjoy. Why would I NOT do that?!  It will benefit our marriage, our family, our home, and fill my cup. I can guarantee you...shaming and guilt tripping my husband will not be beneficial to anyone. 

I pray that as a mother and wife, I never forget to take a proactive approach to everything within my control. Whether it means having a hard conversation, simply expressing how I'm feeling, asking for help, or decisively taking action to improve my family's well-being—I'm willing to do what needs to be done.

If something under my roof needs to change, I vow to be the one to take initiative wherever possible.

We obviously have to talk Education. 

We know the public school system is…horrendous. It’s not safe, we have no say in what is being taught or what teacher we’ll be assigned to, it’s broken. The current system indirectly encourages parents to be reactive. Just trust them, they know what’s best for your kids!

I have to tell you something...in no way, shape or form are our children property of the government. You DO have a say and you CAN take action. Dealing with an imminent threat as it is happening will be so much more difficult and worrisome in the moment than proactively taking steps to avoid the threat altogether.

It only takes one person to make a significant change. For every family that takes extreme ownership over their child’s education, we are one step closer to a stronger and more resilient society. But more importantly, for that one child, the one decision to reroute their education changes EVERYTHING about their future. 

Here’s a few questions that I ask myself frequently when I’m facing a decision or processing a potential undesired outcome, they might help you too if you're considering the public school exodus route for your family:

• Are my choices congruent with the results that I want?

• Did I do my best?

• What is in my control?

• How am I responding to this situation that is out of my control?

• How can I position myself to make the desired outcome more likely?

• If this doesn’t turn out the way I want it to, will I regret this choice?

Making big changes is intimidating, but how beautiful could it be when we make it to the other side?

“The scariest place to be in is the same place as last year.”

Odell Beckham Jr.

The future is ours for the taking!